Forgiveness is the Forgotten Key in Conflict Resolution

Door Knob
Originally uploaded by René Ehrhardt

“Four precious lives have been lost. I offer my deepest condolences. Customers bought our cars because they thought they were the safest. But now we have given them cause for grave concern. I can’t begin to express my remorse.” Akiyo Toyoda


Let’s take a journey on the pathway of forgiveness, an immensely vast subject. Conflict management professionals recognize that it is a concept central to our work. While forgiveness is not imperative to resolving conflicts, at times a simple reflection on the parties’ different perceptions of forgiveness is enough to unchain their potential for resolution. Every so often forgiveness flows freely between parties. More frequently, however, disputants are out of sync.

Why talk about forgiveness? Because, according to Mayo Clinic’s Katherine Piderman, Ph.D., it’s good for our health. Furthermore, in the words of my hero, Nelson Mandela, “Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear and that's why it's such a powerful weapon.” Forgiveness, some may argue, has the potential to contribute to our public health, security and sense of happiness.

Over the past few weeks, we have watched Toyota executives beg forgiveness for deaths caused by safety issues in their cars. Yet, many victims are unable to forgive Toyota because their own needs for reassurance, safety, trust, understanding and remuneration for damages -- emotional and physical -- have not yet been satisfied. Here is an example of different perspectives and the parties may never reach closure. Despite this, could they still reach resolution? Perhaps, but it is not inevitable.

In my mediation practice, I observe clients who regularly struggle with forgiveness, both in giving and receiving it. A coworker asks for forgiveness and her supervisor crosses his arms in indifference. Or, a husband offers forgiveness for perceived injustices he experienced to which she unapologetically replies, “For what?”

We are going to spend the next few months defining it, exploring it and learning about the various stages. Yes, that’s right, stages. Forgiveness is a dynamic process.

I look forward to hearing from you on this expedition through the stages, processes, research, anecdotes and experiences of forgiveness.

Couch Perspectives

couch
Originally uploaded by emdot

A couple recently relayed a story to me that confirmed the importance perspective plays in transforming conflicts.

Every night, when the couple relaxed in their family room to watch TV, the wife would reach for a blanket and complain that the air was too cold. Her husband, on the other hand, would respond by rolling his eyes and laughing, reassuring his wife that their home was plenty warm. In fact, after several minutes into the movie, he would switch on a fan pointed directly on him. The wife, after many episodes like this, assumed the fan merely served to prove a point. Each of them became more entrenched in their positions -- both physically and emotionally -- for years. Then, one evening, for no particular reason, the man sat on his wife's side of the room. For the first time, he felt the chill. He realized that indeed there was a draft that blew directly on his wife's side of the room. He invited her to come in and sit in his seat. After a few minutes, she smiled and announced that she was finally warm. They laughed as they told this story, realizing how valuable this lesson was. A happily married couple, they were pleased that this new view of the TV enabled them to enjoy evenings at home together from that point forward.

One of the simplest techniques a mediator uses to help bridge understanding between disputants is to ask them to swap seats. It can be a risky move if the parties aren't ready to demonstrate empathy or if one party truly does not see the other person's perspective. Sometimes by simply changing our view of the situation, we not only demonstrate an openness to possibilities, but we share in the creative problem-solving process and opportunities present themselves to us.

So, next time a situation gives you a chill, try a new view.

Faux Pas Savoir-Faire

The term faux pas has become commonplace in English language referring to breaches of social norms or, according to Merriam-Webster, social blunders. In French the term means “false step” and can be used to describe a person or situation that is out of balance. The value of protocol, etiquette and codes of behavior shape our everyday life. The rules can be complicated. They vary from situation to situation and culture to culture. Some are formal, others informal but equally important to preserving harmony within groups. In this article, we'll take at peek at my own faux pas in France and then discuss workplace culture and conflict.

1 French Cafe by Constance Weibrands

A Café in France

While in France last summer, my husband and I spotted a lovely outdoor café which was completely empty. Pointing to a table, I asked if we could sit down. The owner grunted in disgust and waved us to one of the less desirable tables, toward the back. He hurried off with the menus, leaving us standing, bewildered. When he finally returned, I smiled and asked if we could move to one of the more interesting tables along the sidewalk. He slammed the menus on the back table and in a cross tone shouted, “No! You will sit here!” With my palms up, I quietly looked at the abundance of empty tables asking, “Why?” He shouted in reply, “You are unbelievably rude! Do you realize you never even greeted me? You won’t get anywhere until you learn to first say bonjour!” At that moment I had an epiphany: while I may be fluent in French, I was not fluent in etiquette. French peoples’ seemingly rigid adherence to etiquette is often interpreted by visitors as rudeness, but a quick review of déjà vu encounters made me realize that it wasn’t French people who had been rude in all those situations. Au contraire! I was not respecting well-established cultural norms and therefore I sparked conflicts as a result. From that point on, I noticed that in every café, grocery store and public place, French typically greet everyone as they enter. Following this simple norm in France has worked brilliantly ever since for me. Filled with a little bit more cultural savoir-faire, France appears to be one of the most polite places I’ve experienced. Friendliness toward strangers doesn’t hurt in other cultures, but may not always yield the same results. Not all people apply the same rules equally.

Workplace Culture

In the workplace, protocols for managing communication and conflict may also be determined by an organization’s “culture” or “way of life,” according to employment lawyer-mediator, Blaine Donais. In his article, Every Workplace Has a Culture, he outlines elements that influence culture in the workplace:

• Laws -- These can be internal, such as policies, procedures or external laws that influence the way the organization is run. Examples include grievance procedures, open-door policies or civil rights laws.
• Language – The codes, acronyms, slang and other tools coworkers communicate with one another both formally and informally.
• Fashion/dress code – Whether in suits, coveralls or aprons, the way people dress shape the organizational culture and, in many cases, the workplace defines its external image by setting dress codes.
• Authorities, power relationships and conventions – The culture of an organization may be shaped by its hierarchies, power strucutres or lack thereof.
• Conflict management/dispute resolution processes – Whether rights-based or interest-based, most organizations follow certain policies and procedures, to ensure that conflicts are managed before they escalate.

2 Clocks on, phones off by Derek K Miller - Penmachine

Watch It!

When mediating workplace conflicts, I often find that key issues center on varying interpretations of the organizational culture and social norms. In one case, a manager accused a subordinate of breaking a company policy that prohibited personal calls while working, as he “discovered” her texting on her cell phone on the production floor. The subordinate was adamant that she only used the phone to check the time.The younger subordinate proved, with a cell phone bill, that she did not have texting capabilities on her phone. The manager admitted that he had a bias against cell phones and wondered why she wouldn’t use a watch, “Like everyone else has done for the past 25 years I’ve worked here.” The employee admitted that cell phones can give the appearance of using personal time during work hours, not only a breach of company policy but also of the business’ culture. She checked the time so that she wouldn’t miss her two 20-minute breaks, which she used to contact her kids, who were at home on summer break. She thought it unfair, however, that she should have to purchase a watch. She claimed they were uncomfortable and made it difficult to do the tasks assigned to her. In fact, she went on, only one person in the department had worn a watch to her knowledge and that employee stopped after developing carpal tunnel syndrome. So, the employee asserted that a new social norm replaced the use of a watch: the cell phone. Because the supervisor was looking at the situation through his own lens, which had been shaped when he was a line worker 25 years ago, he had neither noticed this widespread use of cell phones on the workroom floor nor the necessity for employees to check the time. They came up with an elegant agreement: the company would furnish clocks around the workroom floor and cell phones would be turned off inside the building. As we wrote up the agreement, the manager joked that, back in his day people used to take smoking breaks but they got rid of those when regulations limited peoples’ ability to smoke near buildings. The subordinate joked that maybe “cell phone breaks” should replace what used to be taken as smoking breaks. I looked up and asked if they would want to seriously consider this.Indeed, it made sense to them and it is now part of the department’s policy: the addition of two 5-minute breaks for personal time – including texting and calling outside of the workroom.

3 Watch by Derek K Miller - Penmachine

Steps To Consider

The best way to understand another group’s protocol is to check your own cultural lens. What do you consider to be faux pas or missteps? What will you tolerate? What rubs you the wrong way? Recognize values that may shape your own approach to communicating and focus in on others’ when there is a breakdown in communication.

When you run into a conflict with others outside your “cultural” boundaries, try these steps:

Note the facts

• What protocols, rules, laws or norms were broken?
• What gestures, body language and external factors did you observe?
• What did you hear?
• What words were actually spoken?

Check your reaction

• What did you experience?
• How did you respond, both emotionally and physiologically?
• What is your attitude about the other person?
• What is your perspective of the problem?
• What influenced your reaction? (education, fear, values, background, upbringing, stereotypes, media, etc.)

Ask questions

• What are the ways around this conflict? What can you do to facilitate understanding?
• What do you stand to gain or lose? And the other person?
• Ask the other person what they meant. We often feel like it is taboo to do this, but often people prefer the opportunity to clarify than to be the object of assumptions and misunderstanding.
• Ask for mediation. See if the other person will agree to have a third party assist you in reaching a better understanding and resolution.

Protocol, etiquette and codes of conduct play an important role in maintaining a sense of harmony within a group. Some may be informal, such as cultural norms and others are as formal as written laws. When misinterpreted or unclear, they can cause stress and lead to conflict.

Understanding and respecting the expectations of different groups is key to minimizing conflicts, but not so easy to do. But next time you make a faux pas, refocus your lens and take the next step with renewed understanding and perhaps a real joie de vivre!

4 Steps of Fate by Vincepal

Honest Dude

Thief by The Blackbird

A couple weeks ago my teenage son lost his wallet. It was his first nice one, leather, with his favorite football team's insignia on it, purchased himself. It contained $60 of his hard-earned money and a brand new driver’s permit. He left it at a convenience store, where he and some friends replenished electrolytes after football practice. My first response was, “Bummer. Tough lesson, kiddo.”

My reaction is shaped by generally-held common sense. Most of us believe that when a billfold is loaded with cash, there is little incentive for someone to turn it in. What fool would believe that they can leave a wallet on a table in a public place and expect to get it back? I envisioned the empty wallet lying in an empty lot, miles from the original location and a thief relishing in glory, enjoying the loot.

Then, I recalled a conversation I recently had with a mediator colleague about honesty. We agreed that, despite media images and police warnings, in most cases, people do the right thing. In our experience, people choose to be honest. They tell the truth in mediation, even if the other party doubts the honesty or can prove that what is said has missing or erroneous facts. Often, it’s a matter of perception. I find that when given the opportunity, most people want to make things right. Most people do not want to live with conflict, mistrust and deceit. I believe this is why most mediation cases result in agreement. For example, 85% of community mediation cases reach agreement, according to the National Association for Community Mediation. Mediation works. That's how I maintain my faith in the process of assisting the negotiation of opposing parties. During nearly every session, new opportunities emerge and people begin to see the conflicts from new angles.

So, keeping those experiences in mind, I talked my son into going back to the store with me to check if his wallet was there. We drove into the parking lot and he looked at the table where he’d been sitting. Disappointed that he didn’t see his wallet, he returned to the car immediately. I encouraged him to go inside the shop and ask. The man behind the counter opened a drawer, which was full of wallets and said, “Is it one of these?” Indeed, he found it, completely intact. The clerk said, “At least there is one honest dude out there!”

I am not suggesting that I will throw caution to the wind altogether, but in that instant my faith in the general goodness of humanity was instantly reaffirmed.

Great lesson, Dude!

Quick Tip: DIG-check Messages Before Sending

Most of us have come to rely on spell-check, but how often do we stop and check our messages for digs? You know what I mean, the messages that have hints of sarcasm, I-told-you-so, not-my-fault, see-what-I-mean or "I'm copying everyone else, because they're on my side."

If you're upset with someone or replying to a string of angry e-mails, before hitting the "send" button, try one of these options:

EDIT: Have an uninvolved bystander read your message. Usually, third parties can see how your message, however well-intended, may be received on the other end. Edit out digs before sending.

K.I.S.S.: That old cliche of keeping it simple still holds true. When in doubt, leave it out. State the main points. Delete the digs, even if you think it sounds nice. If you mean something else, most likely they'll "get it." So drop it.

BUY TIME: Instead of an emotional reply, simply acknowledge the other person's feelings and ask to set up a phone or in-person conversation. Give yourself time to compose your thoughts. For example, instead of blasting back with:

"Even though the rest of us clearly understood that the meeting time was changed to tomorrow morning..."

Instead try: "It was an unfortunate mixup. Let's talk about it this afternoon."

ONE-TO-ONE: It's tempting to bring new people into the conversation to gain support for your cause. Usually, this just inflames the person with whom you're having a conflict. If you need a mediator, ask the other person to meet with you and a third party to help you resolve your differences. Multiparty emails, texts and letters can escalate out of control. Even worse, private messages can become more public than anyone intended if you're not careful.

DRAFT: Sometimes you feel compelled to respond immediately. Go ahead and type your thoughts out but don't send them yet. Then, put them in a draft folder and give it a rest. You may edit it later or just forget about it after you've cooled down.

Most importantly, cut yourself some slack. Conflicts can't always be avoided but if you remember to pause and check for digs, you may be surprised at the positive results.

~ Kate Otting (c) 2009

Welcome

Interaction Management Associates welcomes you to our site. The goal is engage in conversations around pivotal moments, those interactions that teach us something new about communication and conflict.

By improving the way we communicate, we may mitigate conflicts -- big and small -- that get in the way of enjoying life to its fullest. The goal here is not to discover an earth-shattering solution to world peace, but rather, to start a ripple effect. I believe we have a lot to learn learn from and teach to one another. We all stand to gain from every tiny shift in our interactions that contribute to improved communications in our homes, communities, workplaces and -- yes -- the world.

Managing conflicts is a bit like recycling. It has to start at home and one person at a time in order to make a difference. By dialoging about ways in which we can all create a more peaceful workplace, home and community, I believe we will expand our combined efforts.

The words have been repeated many times, but Ghandi's phrase has had that rippling-effect: "Be the change you want to see in the world."

Share. Learn. Transform. Enjoy....