Forgiveness is the Forgotten Key in Conflict Resolution

Door Knob
Originally uploaded by René Ehrhardt

“Four precious lives have been lost. I offer my deepest condolences. Customers bought our cars because they thought they were the safest. But now we have given them cause for grave concern. I can’t begin to express my remorse.” Akiyo Toyoda


Let’s take a journey on the pathway of forgiveness, an immensely vast subject. Conflict management professionals recognize that it is a concept central to our work. While forgiveness is not imperative to resolving conflicts, at times a simple reflection on the parties’ different perceptions of forgiveness is enough to unchain their potential for resolution. Every so often forgiveness flows freely between parties. More frequently, however, disputants are out of sync.

Why talk about forgiveness? Because, according to Mayo Clinic’s Katherine Piderman, Ph.D., it’s good for our health. Furthermore, in the words of my hero, Nelson Mandela, “Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear and that's why it's such a powerful weapon.” Forgiveness, some may argue, has the potential to contribute to our public health, security and sense of happiness.

Over the past few weeks, we have watched Toyota executives beg forgiveness for deaths caused by safety issues in their cars. Yet, many victims are unable to forgive Toyota because their own needs for reassurance, safety, trust, understanding and remuneration for damages -- emotional and physical -- have not yet been satisfied. Here is an example of different perspectives and the parties may never reach closure. Despite this, could they still reach resolution? Perhaps, but it is not inevitable.

In my mediation practice, I observe clients who regularly struggle with forgiveness, both in giving and receiving it. A coworker asks for forgiveness and her supervisor crosses his arms in indifference. Or, a husband offers forgiveness for perceived injustices he experienced to which she unapologetically replies, “For what?”

We are going to spend the next few months defining it, exploring it and learning about the various stages. Yes, that’s right, stages. Forgiveness is a dynamic process.

I look forward to hearing from you on this expedition through the stages, processes, research, anecdotes and experiences of forgiveness.