Couch Perspectives

couch
Originally uploaded by emdot

A couple recently relayed a story to me that confirmed the importance perspective plays in transforming conflicts.

Every night, when the couple relaxed in their family room to watch TV, the wife would reach for a blanket and complain that the air was too cold. Her husband, on the other hand, would respond by rolling his eyes and laughing, reassuring his wife that their home was plenty warm. In fact, after several minutes into the movie, he would switch on a fan pointed directly on him. The wife, after many episodes like this, assumed the fan merely served to prove a point. Each of them became more entrenched in their positions -- both physically and emotionally -- for years. Then, one evening, for no particular reason, the man sat on his wife's side of the room. For the first time, he felt the chill. He realized that indeed there was a draft that blew directly on his wife's side of the room. He invited her to come in and sit in his seat. After a few minutes, she smiled and announced that she was finally warm. They laughed as they told this story, realizing how valuable this lesson was. A happily married couple, they were pleased that this new view of the TV enabled them to enjoy evenings at home together from that point forward.

One of the simplest techniques a mediator uses to help bridge understanding between disputants is to ask them to swap seats. It can be a risky move if the parties aren't ready to demonstrate empathy or if one party truly does not see the other person's perspective. Sometimes by simply changing our view of the situation, we not only demonstrate an openness to possibilities, but we share in the creative problem-solving process and opportunities present themselves to us.

So, next time a situation gives you a chill, try a new view.